Friday Funnies

The Mystery Agent Contest at Operation Awesome is TODAY!!!! This is NOT an April Fool's joke :D Hurry over with your one line pitch and enter!!

And now, your Friday Funnies :)

DEFINITIONS FROM THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY

AUTHOR: A writer with connections in the publishing industry.
BOSS: A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.
CHILDHOOD: The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge. DENIAL: How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.
EXPERIENCE: In the working world, something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it.
FITNESS: Salvation through perspiration.
GOURMET: A food fetishist.
HOOKER: A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less. IDEOLOGUE: Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots.
JEANS: Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits.
KLEPTOMANIAC: A thief with breeding.
LABORATORY ANIMALS: Furry foot soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.
MARTIAL ARTS: A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.
NEIGHBORS: The strangers who live next door.
ORGASM: The punchline some women just don't get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.
PARASITE: A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer. QUAGMIRE: Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.
REDNECK: Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.
SMILE: To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.
WHITE SUPREMACISTS: The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority. X-RAY: A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.
Y-CHROMOSOME: A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.
ZOO: A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
FLASHLIGHT: A case for holding dead batteries.
LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.
PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
CONSCIOUSNESS: that annoying time between naps.
REDUNDANCY: Criminal Lawyer

(found HERE)