Friday, April 1, 2011

Friday Funnies

The Mystery Agent Contest at Operation Awesome is TODAY!!!! This is NOT an April Fool's joke :D Hurry over with your one line pitch and enter!!

And now, your Friday Funnies :)


AUTHOR: A writer with connections in the publishing industry.
BOSS: A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.
CHILDHOOD: The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge. DENIAL: How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.
EXPERIENCE: In the working world, something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it.
FITNESS: Salvation through perspiration.
GOURMET: A food fetishist.
HOOKER: A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less. IDEOLOGUE: Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots.
JEANS: Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits.
KLEPTOMANIAC: A thief with breeding.
LABORATORY ANIMALS: Furry foot soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.
MARTIAL ARTS: A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.
NEIGHBORS: The strangers who live next door.
ORGASM: The punchline some women just don't get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.
PARASITE: A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer. QUAGMIRE: Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.
REDNECK: Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.
SMILE: To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.
WHITE SUPREMACISTS: The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority. X-RAY: A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.
Y-CHROMOSOME: A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.
ZOO: A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
FLASHLIGHT: A case for holding dead batteries.
LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.
PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
CONSCIOUSNESS: that annoying time between naps.
REDUNDANCY: Criminal Lawyer

(found HERE)


Carole Anne Carr said...

Never mind the cynicism :0) just lend me the cat!

Janet Johnson said...

Love the definitions! LOL at Zoo and Experience. :)

Nisa said...

Go lightly through the glass shards... Haha! I'll keep that one in mind. Hilarious! Those definitions were too funny!

Matthew MacNish said...

Oh man, great stuff! On my way to OA ...

Matthew MacNish said...

Crap. My novel's not complete. Forgot about that.

Madeleine said...

Great definitions. What naughty kitties! :O)

Sonia M said...

ROFLOL. Laughing to hard to type a better comment. :D