Friday, July 31, 2009

Friday Funnies



First lines of bad novels

Winners of this year's Bulwer Lytton contest (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep."

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."


AND THE WINNER IS...

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

15 comments:

Unknown said...

AHAHAHAHAA! Hilarious! Thanks for sharing!

Roni Loren said...

These are hilarious. The one about Santa Claus, however, just eww. :p

Anonymous said...

These are great!

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

How I love a morning giggle, and you delivered! It would be hard for me to pick a favorite; they're all hilarious. But the "beauty that defied description" made me laugh out loud, and I loved the frog seducer. Thanks!

Rebecca Knight said...

I think Andre the peasant is just misunderstood! :P

These made my day, LOL! Thanks!

Jennifer said...

Bwahahahaha! Thanks for sharing those! Makes me feel loads better about some of my crap opening lines. :D

Ben said...

Great stuff! Makes me feel quite a bit better about my own writing.

Robin M said...

Oh my word, how hilarious. Thanks for the giggles.

Roni Loren said...

You inspired my post today The All-Important First Line. Thanks!

Michelle McLean said...

Always glad to be an inspiration! :D

Emily Ann Benedict said...

LOL!
Over describing can be one of the funniest parts of writing...unless I'm reading a published novel. Then it's just annoying. :P
Thanks for putting these up.

Anonymous said...

fantastic!
Could be done with songs too...
hmmmm

Kathryn Hupp-Harris said...

Hey, I'd have read more of No. 10. That was hilarious!

Kathryn Hupp-Harris said...

Hey, I'd have read more of No. 10. That was hilarious!

cleemckenzie said...

Those first line, what a challenge. I entered that BL contest at SJSU a couple of time, but never won a thing. I may have to write and tell them I'm grateful.
:D

Love the cats.