Monday, August 30, 2010

Monday Meltdown

Okay, so I had a bit of a rough day yesterday. I had to play a piano piece (accompanying a young lady who was singing). I practiced this song till my fingers ached. I played it perfectly (well, very well at least). I was nervous (as I always am going in front of a crowd), but I was prepared, I had worked hard, I was ready, I knew this song in my sleep (literally, the tune is still running through my head).......

I get up to play.......

I BOMB. Holy cow, choke city. I don't know what happened, but I'm pretty sure after the intro, I missed the whole first page. The second page got some play time, but the top of the third page for sure was MIA....I think I salvaged enough to finish the third page and end the poor thing. Oooo and I DID hit the final note perfectly, which is good since that is the one that is sustained with no singer's voice to cover it up.

But man, was I steamed! Furious! I'm still fuming!!! (my husband and father say whining, but tomato toMAHto right)

I am just so irritated that I psyched myself out and was so nervous that I flushed a month of hard work right down the drain. I can't fix it. I can't hit rewind or tell everyone to sit their butts back down because I'm going to pound those keys until the notes come out right (dangit!) - but man, I'd like to.

The good thing that's come out of this: I swear if I ever let my nerves get the best of me again I'll chop my fingers off and beat myself with them. I am DETERMINED I will NEVER let me get the better of myself again. And not just when it comes to playing piano for a room full of people.

The next time I query, submit to publishers, send off anything anywhere, I'll work hard, I'll get my manuscript polished up, I'll do my homework, and when it comes time to send off my work I'm not going to hesitate. I'm not going to second guess myself and work myself into such a state of nervous energy that I can barely think (it was bad, ya' one point I looked at the notes on the paper and seriously could not translate them into what key I was supposed to push....k, it's kinda funny now....)


Oh no, I'm going to have some confidence in myself even if I have to fake it until I make it, pretend until I hit send, pray until it pays (you get the point) :D

P.s. seriously, am I the only one out there that gets clobbered by their nerves? I'm kind of wishing there was a video of this because it can't REALLY be as bad as I'm remembering it....can it?



Stina Lindenblatt said...

LOL. When I started reading this, I was envisioning you in a Jane Austen style dress and hairstyle. You looked very cute, btw. :)

I wish I had your new confidence when it comes to querying. After my big flop last time (when I queried too early but didn't realize I was querying too early), I'm nervous about entering queryland. On the brightside, the book has changed so much (including the voice and plot and thus the query and subnopsis), I can requery many of the same agents from before. :D

Misha said...


I think it's a good thing if there isn't a video of it out there. It makes it easier to get over it and move to bigger and different things.

For some strange reason I don't get stage fright, but I tend to choke when I fence. I over think my strategy so much that I forget what I am supposed to be doing right now as well as how I'm supposed to be doing it.

I also have this strange way of falling up and down steps in front of people. Particularly if I do something involving steps in front of more than ten people. sigh...

I find that the easiest way to get over something like this is to find something funny about the situation (there always is something funny) and laugh about it. This may take weeks (fencing) or can happen immediately (falling UP a set of stares). But the laughing really dulls the embarassment.

Christine Fonseca said...

Dude, no more spinning...really! WOOT!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I HATE it when nerves get me!!! ARGH!!!

It really is amazing what we do to pscyh ourselves out--the consolation? We've ALL been there.

Bravo for you to find the silver lining. Congrats for pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and plugging along.

You CAN do it!!!!

Tess said... have the courage to develop your talent and then step up and present it. That in itself is HUGE. How many never allow themselves that risk? Kudos to you, I say.

Cole Gibsen said...

Ugh. This has happened to me at dog shows. There's nothing like entering a ring only to have your dog promptly exit...without you.

But I love how you spinned a negative moment into a positive post. **hugs**

Carolyn V. said...

I'm bad at the nerves thing! I had to play the piano once for some of the girls at church in front of the congregation. I goofed up and never got back to the right note. It was really, really sad.

Stephanie said...

Sounds so familiar. Totally sympathize!

Elana Johnson said...

Dude, I'm so sorry! I'm sure it wasn't as bad as you thought. And you deserve to whine, er, be mad. You worked hard! *hugs*

Jan Markley said...

Thanks for turning your experience into something we can learn from. You are right - we shouldn't second guess ourselves.