Friday, November 5, 2010

Friday Funnies

I found this on Timothy McSweeney's site via the awesome Janet Reid - and holy crap, I laughed till I puked :D Enjoy!

How to Put On a Sports Bra. BY ANNA LEFLER - - - -

1. Approach the sports bra with confidence, secure in the belief that you will wear it.

2. Holding the sports bra open by its bottom edge, peer into it and locate the medium-sized opening in the center of the cavity. This is your target.

3. Take a moment to ask yourself the following questions: A. Am I naked from the waist up? B. Have I removed my glasses? If the answer to either is "no," make the necessary adjustments and return to Step 1.

4. Snake your right arm through the right armhole as far as it will go. Repeat for left arm and left armhole.

5. Assume power stance: feet shoulder-width apart and knees slightly bent. Hook your thumbs into the sports bra's bottom-edge elastic and pull it out in front of you as far as possible. (Note: do not let go.)

6. In one, deft motion, pull the elastic toward you and over your head. If you have martial arts training, this would be the time to release your battle cry, or kiai.

7. You should now be standing with arms pointing skyward, the sports bra encircling you at chin level, binding your biceps to your ears.

8. Remain calm. Visualize yourself wearing the sports bra while engaged in a pleasant activity, such as not watching Jersey Shore.

9. Cross your arms in front of your face, grasp the bottom of the sports bra and begin tugging it down to your chest. This process should take 2-25 minutes and can be streamlined by the removal of one of your arms (advanced yoga practitioners only).

10. If you have followed steps 1-9 correctly, the sports bra is now strapped across the rise of your bosom, compressing the breasts downward to the point that you can see your pulse in your areolas.

11. Resume power stance (see Step 5). Holding firmly to the bottom edge of the sports bra, pull it away from your body in a downward arc until it grazes your kneecaps. Then, with a scraping motion, drag the sports bra upward along the front of your body, capturing all excess flesh in its path.

12. When the bottom elastic reaches the desired altitude on your rib cage, release it. Then, while holding the top of the sports bra away from your body with one hand, plunge the other hand into the sports bra to distribute and align its contents, which should include both of your breasts.

Note: If you are unable to locate two (2) breasts in the sports bra, do not become alarmed as they are likely nearby. Remove the sports bra (see "How to Take Off a Sports Bra") and return to Step 1 of these instructions.

How are my NaNo peeps doing? And my non-NaNo-ites!? How's life?

If you're looking to redo your blog or just like pretty banners, head to Kristal Shaff's blog for a chance to win a custom-made bog banner!! And don't forget to check in at Operation Awesome - as soon as we hear back from our mystery agent, we'll make the big winner announcement :D

NaNo Stats: I'm up another 1630 words :) Didn't quite hit my daily goal but definitely on target over all! :)



8 comments:

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I'm pretty flat chested, so the sport bra thing isn't a problem for me. Mine doesn't have hooks. You just slip it on and go. :D

I didn't come close to my daily goal. Between a long lunch meeting with my writer friends, no school on Monday, and a sick child, I barelly got anything written. And soon I'm going away for a week. Oh well! I'll be just happy if I get 25,000 more words written by the end of the month.

Stephanie McGee said...

I'm not doing NaNo. But it's the weekend so I expect to get a lot of writing done. I found my muse again and am hoping she sticks around a little longer.

*poke poke poke* Wake up Mrs. Potato!

Katrina L. Lantz said...

Ha ha! I took that how-to as a lesson in writing, too. How awesome is it that the writer was able to make us visualize this whole scenario? I don't know if I could get so many visual words into a how-to on sports bra wearing. Like medium sized cavity and release your battle cry!

Thanks for sharing!

Elana Johnson said...

LOL! Great job on the word count! I broke 10K last night. :)

Eric said...

ROFL. I am not going to comment on the content of this one for fear of being beaten severely by several angry women who know just how annoying this process must be. Plus anytime a man has anything to say about this is obviously because he's just visualizing certain body parts, right?

Oops, I guess I did comment LOL.

Good luck on NaNo. You're making good progress. Keep it up.

Colene Murphy said...

Hahaha! Great.
Still making goog progress with Nano I see. Yeay!!

Misha said...

Lol brilliant! Getting into one of those can sometimes burn more energy than the exercise they're required for.

My NaNo isn't going too badly. I hit 10k somewhere before twelve last night.

Good luck!

Conda V. Douglas said...

Fun post! Needed it! I'm one day behind on my NaNo word total, urk!